Juice and Ted’s Excellent Spring Classic Adventure: Wings - Hawks

Western Confy Finals- Detroit Red Wings, 5 Chicago Blackhawks, 2... Game one in the record books

Whew.

What a difference 2 days and a thrown chair makes! Honestly fair readers, until last night, I was still having the Howard the Duck nightmares and suffering aftershocks from that Anaheim series. (Oh they said it was a 5.0 quake with an Inglewood Jack epicenter, but I think it was my Post Duckmatic Syndrome reliving some of Cory Perry's hits on Zetterberg.)

I will say it again- the Ducks series will prove to be the most difficult series the Wings face in these 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs.

Even as I sat down Sunday morning (yes, morning. Ok, noon…) to settle in for what I expect to be a very entertaining series with the whippersnappers from Chitown, I wasn’t sure I was emotionally rested enough to handle more hockey so soon. Thank goodness our boys in the winged wheel are tougher than me.

And as if to make my point, the Detroit Red Wings manhandled the Chicago Blackhawks Sunday, 5-2. It was the most entertaining game I have seen all playoff season. Wings were loose (some a bit too loose- Oz), they were relaxed, they played the first two periods as if they enjoyed themselves, and in the Third they pulled their Detroit Globe Trotter Routine and spun the kids from Chitown around a bit.

It was gorgeous. It was light and fun and Sweet Georgia Brown, there wasn’t an ounce of tension in my body at all.

After the win, I may have gloated too much, because a great blogger and friend of mine- former Detroit Red Wing/Washington Capitals fan, Ted Parke (known to those at NHL Connect as “ECParke”) called me out.

Frankly I was relieved just to hear from him. So relieved, in fact.

Many of you may not know this but, after they ran ol’ Ted out of San Diego, ala Ken Kesey, I thought we’d heard the last of him. I’d think fondly back on his brilliant hallucinogen addled blogs from last year’s playoffs (I told him licking toads was dangerous) and wonder how life away from the shore pound was treating him. I missed the buggar and his wicked timing …

I was thrilled to hear from him, except that something was not right. Ted, in his missives, appeared to have gone over to the Darkside. The Blackhawk side.

Fearing the worst, expecting -at least- some sort of Toewesianese Liberation Army brainwashing, I decided to go in search. I hopped the first flight to Chitown, just hoping to find and rescue with Ol’ Ted…

Wayne’s World Dream Sequence Waves blur from sandy sunny beaches in Malibu to the cab stand outside O’Hare …

“Where to begin, where to begin???” I though as I climbed into the cab and headed for the north side. I could only think of one place where I had seen Blackhawk “fans” congregate….

Wrigleyville.

When I finally found Ol’ Ted, it was Sunday, May 17, 2009. Game 1. Western Confy Finals. Detroit’s routing of the Blackhawks had just gone down, I knew I’d have to work fast. Ted had traded his surfboard for a bar stool and was saddled up to the bar at Harey Caray’s clutching a Winter Classic pennant and muttering “Damn you, Cleary. Damn you.”

It was worse than I thought. How had he fallen so quickly, so fast???? I quickly cased the joint looking for anyone who might try to stop me. They all appeared to be your run of the mill Chicago bandwagon types.

Good, there’s still a chance Ted can be saved. I thought. Then I saw it.

Ted, hadn’t fully embraced the “hometown” team. Oh to the casual observer it would appear he had, but I knew it was a cry for help. He wore the Number 24, “Chelios” on the back of his Blackhawks sweater.

Realizing I was not too late, I slid onto the bar stool three seats down and could not believe my ears. This was not gonna be easy.

Ted, lauding the attributes of the Young Chicago Blackhawks team. I vurped. He even gave props to Khabibulin. Suddenly there was ringing in my ears, and I saw red- I choked back the bile and abruptly stood up.

“Traitor.” I called him out, the initial shock still coursing through my veins. I tilted Brian Rafalski’s Winter Classic beanie back, and pushed up the sleeves on my Igor Larionov Sweater and stood square to his back. Then I said it louder:

“Traitor. Bandwagoner.” Ted calmly turned to look at me, stood (geezus this Fokker is tall) walked over and said:

“Problem Miss?” He didn’t even recognize me!!!!! I knew I was in trouble...

“OH you heard me Mister. I KNOW who you are…. You can’t fool me. What are you doing here, some undercover sting operation? No way you should be wearing that Sweater, how did they get to you? Was it the youthful hope in Kane’s baby face? Or was it the stoic Blackhawk work ethic? Did their crushing of Mats Sundin and legendary Captain Roberto Luongo melt your frozen heart like a little girl’s fancy in spring time????” I spat with a vindictiveness I usually reserve for Anaheim Thucks “fans”.

In typical Ted fashion, he was nonplussed and unfazed by my venom. Ted has ice in his veins and a vulcanized rubber heart, but I knew if he didn’t take the bait, he hadn’t been fully assimilated…There was hope.

“You’re that sassy, mouthy Red Wings fan from LA, aren’t you? Yea, yea I remember you. Your name is “Loose?” “Caboose?” He shook his head, really trying to remember….

“The name is “Juice”,” I said. “That’s “Miss Juice to you good sir. Now kindly step away from that bar and take this like a man.”

Ted was slick like freshly zamboni’ed ice…

“Little Miss Juice, you don’t scare me…. "Every defensemen knows the scariest thing in hockey is a big guy with hands: if he doesn't dangle around you he'll run you over.”

“Then run away Ted-o, because I didn’t come here to dangle, I came to save your scrawny toad sucking, surfboard riding, hockey playing ass and bring you back into the Red Wing fold….” And I started to circle, thinking the first step would be to get that damn Cheli Hawk’s jersey over his head…

As soon as I reached for the Chelios jersey, Harry Caray’s began to spin, and as if sucked into icy vortex Ted and I found ourselves dumped unceremoniously onto the ice rink still sitting in the infield of Wrigley. Curiously (or not) we were dressed in full on hockey gear- Me in Detroit Winter Classic gear, Ted in Blackhawk WC attire.

I put my mouthguard in, pushed my helmet back and set my stick into the center of the face off circle.

“First to three goals wins.”

Teddy stepped up to the circle. Suddenly Alexander Ovechkin appeared wearing a white sequined Elvis jumpsuit, pompadour and lots of gold jewelry. Ovie yelled “Vegas baby”, and dropped the puck. Caught in utter shock, Ted made quick work of me. In no time flat he scored three goals. Ovie ascended back to the rafters, winking, and grinning. As I laid sprawled across the crease watching Angel Ovie-Elvis fade, Ted sprayed me with ice. As Ovie’s visage shimmered into golf oblivion, a green flash of light sprang from the goal light and Ted and I found ourselves in adjacent penalty boxes…Ted looked at me:

“What do I win?” He asked. “I’ll take that 9KO, if you’re not gonna use it…”

“Never.” I cried. “Pasha gave me this!”

“Fine, one more challenge Miss Juice, for my Hockey Loving Soul. A Mental Duel. Debate the Western Conference Finals. We will have a civil discourse, debating and discussing the attributes and follies of our respective teams, and at the end of the series, if the Wings win, I will give up my bandwagon ways…

“Oh its on.” I grinned gleefully. Instantly I knew I could save Ted. I began “Here are your first questions:

Juice: Tell me Ted what infuriated you more today: the fact that the hawks thought out skating the Wings was the way to win, or the fact that Ozzie stoned them and the Wings defense smothered them?

Ted: Well Juice, despite the rather insulting and condescending nature of your query, I will say that both of these things infuriated me, but I will tell you this: Chicago has the ability to morph its game to the opponent. They did it with Calgary and they did it with Vancouver. In each round so far they have had to play very different teams, and they find a way to elevate their game to their opponent’s game. Which brings me to the answer for your second question…

Juice: Suck up the insults Ted- this is the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I call it as I see it. (whistles “Sweet Georgia Brown”). That said, I do expect a different Chicago team to show up on Tuesday, and like other good young teams (CBJ and the Kings) I see this “morphing” that you are talking about. Wing-Hawks regular season games were often high scoring affairs on both sides, so I expect your boys to find a way to get a shot on net. They must have been shell shocked by the Wings D.

Juice: Question 2, What adjustments do you think your boys [Blackhawks] will make for Game 2?

Ted: The Hawks need to do what the Ducks did, and refuse to accord the Wings any respect. They seem to have been caught up in believing the hype. They have to force the turnover.

Juice: Oh the Hype is real Teddy, and you know it. Chicago probably does need to forget who they are playing this series, but honestly I don’t see they have a match for the Wings defense. Therefore they will have to be on guard to capitalize on Wing error (and there aren’t many) – which they did on their first goal in the Series (Ozzie’s playing the puck and leaving the net was too cavalier and it cost him.) I think you can expect one more shock to the system, though. The first time Patrick Kane or JT get a break away, Ozzie is gonna stone them, and that may rattle a cage for a shift or two.