Definition: “Natural Cali Hat Trick”: Attendance by Juice and her awesome goalie brother, Goyo, at three consecutive Red Wings away games in a given season, against each of the three California NHL teams, One Wings-Kings game, One Wings-Sharks game, One Wings-Ducks game.
And Scene:
6’4” Blonde Blue-eyed Goalie with a sick glove hand and a penchant for Hasek-esque flopping stands with tin of black shoe polish in hand, smears black streaks under each eye, throws his goalie helmet on and nods head to adjust angle, trapper on left hand, he takes quick squirt from green Gatorade water bottle.
Blonde 5’4” blogger underlines one eye with shoe polish, considers the Left Eye Lopez look, decides warrior stripes look better, finishes up with the shoe polish, pops a mouthguard in and adjusts her shoulder and elbow pads, straightens the No. 8 on the back of her red hockey sweater and claps fist to palm, hopping out of the car.
The siblings walk across parking lot, through the twilight of a balmy Southern California evening toward the Honda Center. They are ready. They’ve been here before, they know the score.
This is as close to enemy territory as it gets. Or so they think. Blogger Girl (“BG”) dances around like Cassius Clay, looking for action while Goalie Brother (“GB”) chops the back of a passing game-goer’s calf with his stick, when suddenly they realize…
There are no Ducks fans in the throng.
There aren’t even any D3 fans in the crowd. Emilio Estevez is nowhere to be found. The closest you get to finding a fan is a curious tall Scott Hartnell lookalike wearing a Flyers sweater with “Canon” on the back who is almost passed out under the Wild Wing Statute, with a bottle of “cold duck” in his hand, muttering “Quick and Brown” “Crestivez” and “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
Except for the rouge Flyers fan, it’s a sea of red and white. For every 1 black and gold sweater in the crowd there are 3 or 4 red and white jerseys. Konstantinov, LaPointe, Datsyuk, Fedorov and naturally a sea of Yzermans.
Ahhh, BG and GB relax just a bit. Maybe this year they won’t get into a shouting match. Maybe this year no loud mouthed female will stick her finger in GB’s face. Maybe this year BG and GB will get to enjoy the game and watch their beloved Red Wings without being abused. They are stoked and ready to see some live hockey. All smiles and silly banter, the two head into the game, joking and trading NHL gossip, wondering who will be in goal and if Rafalski will play the whole game.
Letting down their guard, will sadly turn out to be a mistake. While GB heads to the loo, (Hey that drive from LA to Anaheim in rush hour traffic is brutal, never less than 2.5 hours) Blogger Girl heads for the beer line. Waiting patiently suddenly she hears:
“ppfffttt Larionov, wtf?”
BG smirks, does not look back at the offender but instead catches the eye of another Red Wing fan. They grin, chuckle, knowingly nod. What can you do? Some people never get it, and well just short of Wrigleyville, we are in a huge homer bandwagon town – no one in Disneyland is even gonna know the name “Igor Larionov”.
But they don’t let up:
“So sick of expatriate Detroiters who can’t get a job, coming to my town.”
Blogger Girl chomps hard on her mouth piece, flips it around with her tongue, ala Patrick Kane, biting while contemplating. Now. BG has been in LA for 4 years, and she left for weather (mostly) but she fiercely defends her hometown and the people still there. Nothing but love for Metro Detroiters: Some of the hardest working, most genuine, cool, no nonsense and honest people you will ever come across. She does the only thing she can.
She buys the biggest beer available, pays and as she turns to leave, she jerks her hand, bumps into the guy and spills half her beer on him.
Yes. yes she did.
She bats her eyelashes and gives a frickin’ academy award winning performance on the apology as she hastily walks in the opposite direction of her seats, carrying her beer Oscar, speeding away until she is sure the guy isn’t following her.
Walking around the concourse, not knowing whether to smile or grimace, she finds her brother in the seats. Sea of red surrounds, one lady has a giant Red Wings blanket that she keeps holding up. The players aren’t even there yet and the Wings fans are amped!
“You going down to the glass for warm ups?” GB asks. BG contemplates:
“Well here is the thing bro. She says. “I was just in Chicago at the Winter Classic, right there at the dugout. Rafs and Drapes both acknowledged me and Jess. I’m going to several games this week, and if I go up to the glass and hang out, how creepy would it be if they start to recognize me? I don’t know that I want to risk being thought of as that freaky hockey stalker chicka? I can see it now, how did the creepy chick from Chicago get here to Anaheim and LA?”
GB considers her point for a minute and then says “Naw, you’re not wearing your beret.”
They laugh and wander down to the glass to watch the Wings execute that amazing 5 way passing drill I told you about in Cali Hat Trick Part I. Drapes hangs by the net, next to Ozzie feeding pucks to skaters who haul back to the blue line. Two lines of Wings at either point, Z takes puck from Drapes crosses ice while, passing to Lids, who crosses and passes to Huds, who passes to Kopecky who shoots on Ozzie. And so it goes. Relaxed, but structured warmups. Gorgeous. Even a couple Ducks fans are watching the drill and BG over hears one guy say: “Holy crap, would you look at that,
look what they are doing.”
It brings a huge smile to her face and kinda makes her feel proud. She has no right to feel proud, but she just can’t help it. You follow a team for 20 some years and see if you don’t think of them as your own.
And by “follow” I mean, “cheer for”, not “stalk”….
GB and BG are feeling relatively relaxed that they are seeing so many Wings fans. Skaters off the ice, the Ducks launch pre show commentary they head for their seats and wait for the stands to fill up.
Last year at this same game, the place was packed. This year, its about ½ empty just minutes before puck drop. The Pond never fills for the entirety of the game either. Function of economy or Ducks record? IDK.
Then, just as the puck is about to drop they find themselves surround by duck fans. As if they moved down from the cheap seats at the last minute. Very big hairy duck fan wearing a Niedermayer jersey keeps bumping back of her seat with knee, she’s pretty sure its on purpose. Ugh! Well, time to put the mouth guard back in.
Puck Drop
BG is a bit apprehensive, seats are behind Ducks goal about 18 rows up, she’s worried it won’t be great angle to see the game. Turns out it’s a very interesting place to watch the game since the Wings are pressing hard and keeping the play at this end.
Watching Dats and Zetterberg fly at you, seeing Z pass the puck through Pahlsson’s legs and then pick it up again- Seriously sick.
Watching a Datsyukian Deke start to form and head your way… its a beautiful and crazy thing to see, like watching a tornado unfurl from a Michigan sky in May. Definitely digging the seats.
Dats and Z worked the entire ice, every shift, streaking up and down and working as hard as possible to make something happen, thought they weren’t always getting on the net, they looked like they were the Hockeytown globetrotters out there.
Cue Sweet Georgia Brown please….
And dang it. If Dan Cleary isn’t the hardest working man in show biz, I will eat my beer Oscar. He was all over the ice making plays, keeping the Ducks off the puck, scoring. Within the first 5 minutes of the game DannyC: weighing in at under 6 feet (I know what his roster stats read, I’m telling you he’s shorter) and 210 pounds,
pummeled
The 6’10”, 345 lb Chris Pronger to the boards.
(Again, pay no attention to that roster stat behind the curtain, I am reporting here with my own two eyes!)
First period was fast and furious.
Wings couldn’t win a face off to save their lives, but what was more perplexing is that no one could control the face off after it was won, both teams fumbled around quite a bit.
Score!!!! Homer gets it done with assists by D and El Capitain. Instant relief, and guarded reservation. After all the jumping, and high fiving with other wings fans BG sit down and begin to worry.
Going up on the Ducks early always gives her pause. She fears the game will degenerating and the Ducks will resort to thugism. She visualizes her boys in Red getting beat up when the Ducks get too far behind. This is a long road trip and She wants a win over the Sharks more than anything, and She certainly doesn’t want them to lose to LA. Can’t take a beating in Anaheim and be ready to beat both of those teams.
This, and the late hit on Zetterberg in the third by Pronger, brings this blogger to her most urgent point.
Wings need an enforcer.
Kopecky and Meech have size, and (according to jleWings) Kopecky has the guns, but they aren’t getting the job done, We need McCarty back in the line up for these kind of teams, or we need to snipe Scott Hartnell.
We need D-Mac, and Scott Hartnell would look great in red….
Quack Quack Chirp Chirp, you sure got a purdy mouth.
Ducks score. Big hairy due sitting behind Juice leans forward and screams in her ear, and he has breath like he has been dead for about two and a half days.
Now I know you won’t be surprised to hear this, but Juice is kind of loud. It’s annoying to hear all her screams and cheers at a game, even if you are a Wings fan. Sadly, she sincerely tries not to be as vocal as instinct would otherwise lead her…
(she is also really, really sick of writing about herself in the third person, and though at this point in the blog though we are worried about the gaff of switching voice … arrrgh, I just can’t do it any more…must break grammar rules, just this once…)
Now I know you won’t be surprised to hear this, but I’m kind of loud. Its annoying to hear all my screams and cheers at a game, even if you are a wings fan. I sincerely try not to be as vocal as instinct would otherwise lead me and I never start “shixxa”. (muuucchhh better)
I won’t directly taunt an opposing fan unless hey come after me. Although sometimes I would very much like to, I never look at a guy in a Ducks jersey and say “SUCK IT YEW DIRTY DUCK”. My Winter Classic gaff aside, the worst I get is responding to some jerk by yelling “Scoreboard”. Usually I whoop and holler, high fiving other wings fans.
So although I am loud, I am not antagonistic. And yet this guy was acting like a deuce in response to us cheering for our team.
My brother (GB) flipped his goalie helmet back and said “Listen bro- that’s not cool.” And the guy got all up in his business. My brother stood his ground very calmly saying “Look Bro, we are gonna cheer for our team, we paid for these seats like you, we weren’t antagonizing you, we weren’t even acknowledging you, so back off, because the fact that your so threatened by a tiny little girl cheering her team on means you don’t think your boys have the stones to win this game.”
And we all held our breath. Except or Puck Bunny girl who kept trying to shush them both. Puck Bunny Girl’s boyfriend and I tried to subdue her, it was messy. Whose Puck Bunny Girl? Stay tuned….
The Big Fat Hairy Smelly Duck fan (aren’t they always big fat hairy and smelly?) grunts at Brother says “I can’t hear you.”
My brother looks at me we giggle and he says
“Did Somebody Step on a Duck?”
Chicks and Ducks and Bunnys better scurry
I spent the better part of the game having to work to focus on my Wings because the pretty little blonde puck bunny who sat next to me wanted to make friends….Now I often makes friends with other fans, but this is a DUCK Fan.
Actually, that is not true at all.
She could not be called a fan. Let’s just say she knows what Hockey is. What??? I’m sorry. Look. I thought she was a sweetheart, but anyone whose best chant was “Go guy” when Perry gave up the puck to Kronner in the second and who refused to wear the Parros jersey a friend loaned her just for this game, because she “just didn’t look pretty in it, its too big…” is definitely a Bunny.
Now to be fair, it was a Parros jersey, and I think that when you buy a Parros jersey, it comes with the pornstache, and you are required to wear them together. I am totally on board with any woman who refuses to sport thick swinger facial hair just for a game but still….
Imagine saying THAT to me sitting there with the black warpaint stripes on my cheeks, my enormous oversized Larionov jersey while I’m chomping on a mouthpiece.
I can’t rip on her too much though because, well she was drunk and she really (really) tried hard to be friends. She was nice. I liked her. Puck Bunny Blondie and her boyfriend Jessie- the only two Ducks “fans” that prevent me from summarily dismissing and stereotyping all Ducks fans as fat hairy smelly and hard of hearing…
Sigh.
Cat and Mouse; Red Wings Third Period Stylee
What can I say, it’s the Wings style and habit this year. At some point a team is gonna come along that can hang with us for 60 minutes (sooner rather than later I suspect…) and this style of play will catch up with us, but last night and the 20 previous games before, you all know that no matter what goes down in the first two periods, at some point the Red Wings take a look around the bench, tap their sticks, give each other the “Let’s do this” look and turn it on. Daniel Cleary with the even up goal, and the Mule with a stellar effort grinding it out to get the game winner.
Ahh Mule, we love ya. Danny Boy- amazing effort in this game. Huds, Dats, Rafs, Ozzie I know you worked hard too- heck, Lids, Lilja, Meech Kops, Drapes, Hossa truth is you all looked sharp and hard working out there. I don’t have one complaint about any of the team. I just wish we had an enforcer who could put Pronger in his place. Seeing Datsyuk check Pronger and seeing him slam Hank into the boards made me very very upset.
Thank you Detroit Red Wings for allowing us to walk out of the Honda Center smiling and never looking back on the people who are so classless that they abuse my hometown and people just for loving their hometown team.
As we walked out of the Honda Center, Goyo removed his goalie helmet and I spit my mouth piece in the garbage. We heard someone yell “Let’s Go Red Wings” and We responded. Next thing I know I hear:
“I bet you like the Yankees too, “effing” losers”. I turn to look at the guy, (you guessed it fat hairy probably smell, and short) and I say “get a clue – no one has been able to buy a team since before the lock out.”
And a cheer erupts from about 5 Red Wings fans in the vicinity.
I hear the guy say “lock out?” and we just keep walking.
Jessie and Lindsey: puck bunny jokes aside – You guys were fun to sit next to and the coolest Ducks fans I ever met. Mr. Cleary- I know you’re a big guy, I just wanted to make the visual of you taking on Pronger seem as disparate as it looked from my vantage point, it was a hell of a hit bro, good on ya!
And so ends the second installment of Juice and Goyo’s Cali Hat Trick 08-09. Thank you all for reading and Game 3 is on ice and chillin!
Ed note: This will not be a natural Cali hat trick series as promised. Circumstances are preventing me from hitting up San Jose this weekend as planned. But my brother and I will be hitting three Wings in Cali games this year, and given the battlefield we survived last night, I am thinking this year it will be more like a Cali “Howe” hat trick. One Shoot Out win, One brawling regulation win, and ?
Stay tuned…
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