Wingers, defencemen and goalies in the Land of Joe!

Happy Canada Day to all you northerly Hockey Fans wearing red and white today.

Tho’ if you ask me, any day is a good day to wear red.


Speaking of which, here is my official Red Wings free agency update as of July 1, 2008 4 pm EST:


I’m gonna lead with entertainment focused solely on the Detroit Red Wings today rather than actual reporting for three reasons: (1.) I already blogged about Stuart; (2.) Others will do an amazing job covering the entire league; and (3.) Because I was there in Ken Holland’s office this morning.


What Juice? What did you say?


No not really. Of course not. But what if I were?


start wavy blurred lines of vision indicating Wayne’s World like dream sequence…(I’d have gone with a Harold and Kumar dream reference here but there just isn’t any room for cheetahs or unicorns at the Joe..)


Open dream sequence: overpriced Beverly Hills condo falls to ground on the banks of the Detroit River, crushing stand selling half priced BOGO autographed No. 87 Jerseys and stuffed animal penguins…

Juice in LA, wearing her vintage 1997 playoff issued Igor Larionov sweater, pigtails and red Laboutains slowly emerges from condo, rubs eyes once or twice like a cartoon character and realizes she’s not in Los Angeles or Kansas anymore.


(Never actually been to Kansas, can’t imagine why any hockey fearing person would want to go there… )


Juice picks up her faithful pet, Scout, sporting his infant sized “Osgood” home game sweater and gingerly steps from the wreckage, making her way up the steps of Joe Louis Arena.


Walking down a long, empty red and white paneled corridor lined with trophies and pictures of Sid Abel, Ted Lindsey, Terry Sawchuck, Gordie Howe, Jack Norris, Red Kelly, Steve Yzerman, She is painfully aware that her heels make an enormous racket on the hardwood floors.


Suddenly, as she takes a step, the floor turns to silver ice. Barely avoiding a Bambi like topple, she reaches for the nearest of many (many) trophy cases housing multiple Stanley Cups, Presidents Trophies, Campbell Cups. As her grasp slips, suddenly the Trophy Case becomes Ken Holland’s arm.


He’s dressed in overalls and has straw in his hair. “Odd” she thinks.


“Can I help you dear?” He asked, then gasped “Dear Child, Where did you get those skates?” Juice peered down to see that her red Laboutains had become Ruby Bauers – Nice!

.
“yes, I, I, I, well, I think I have been sent to sit in and help the team make free agent decisions today. I think I am looking for the Wizard.” She says.


“The Wizard of OZ?” he asks. “Why, my dear, he’s in Plymouth with the Stanley Cup. You’ll never get to see him now that he’s a big Hollywood movie star …” He smiled gently, continued:

“But if you are here for trade talks, you need to see the Other Wizard. If you like I can show you the way.”


“Oh thank you, Mr. Holland, you are truly brilliant.”


And off they went skating down the silver-bricked hallway- er, road- until they heard a strange clanking. Peering into the closest office they saw Stevie Yzerman with his very own Stanley Cup on his desk. He was lacing on silver skates and gave a wave.


“Join us.” Mr. Holland said. “We are on our way to see the Wizard and we need a guy with Heart.”


“Heart??? Why, the Wizard of OZ has more heart than anyone I know! Hasn’t he proven it to anyone yet? What is it gonna take with you people????” Stevie asked.


“Not that Wizard….” Mr. Holland explained.


OHh, yes. THE OTHER Wizard. Sure yea, great, lets go.” Then Stevie Y hoisted Stanley over head and skated down the silver-bricked road with Juice and Holland.


A bit further down the SBR they came across what appeared to be a lions den. First affeared, the travelers soon realized that particular office at the Joe had not been occupied in decades.


And on they went.


“So, what are you gonna ask the Wizard for?” Juice asked Holland and Stevie Y.


“Oh we have a couple of significant requests. But on free agency day anything can happen, you know. Anything.” Stevie said coyly.


“Oh but Mr. Holland, You must not let Brad Stuart get away, there are no other good defencemen available out there, he had a +/- of 15 in the playoffs and he played as if he had the sort of heart, courage and brilliance you expect from the Wings.” Juice gushed.


“Of course dear, don’t worry your little head, He’s our Number One Priority, we just have to be sure the Wicked Team of the West doesn’t snatch him up or raise his value too high.” Mr. Holland soothed.


“Gulp.” Juice responded. Stevie Y patted her hand.


“There, there Juicy, don’t fret. I am sure the Wizard will honor our requests.”


“Just who is this Wizard?” Juice asked, clinging to Holland’s arm.


Before he could answer, swooping in from the rafters of the Joe came a flying monkey wearing a crown and dressed in purple, black and silver, who dropped magical skate spray onto the three travelers. When they woke, they found themselves curled up in the penalty box, shivering and weary.


“What time is it???” Holland asked?


“Gosh I don’t know, the scoreboard reads 11:45 EST” Juice exclaimed.


“Dang it we have to get to the Wizard and quickly!!!!!” Stevie Y implored. And the three skated as fast as they could across the ice, past the zamboni, past the Octopi, back onto the silver-bricked road until they came face to face with Al Sobotka and Mo Cheese, dresses in lots of red and white fur sporting curious handlebar moustaches.


“NO ONE gets in to see the Wizard. He’s very very busy, don’t you know what today is??????” Mo Cheese proclaimed, while Al Sobotka twirled a cephalopod in the air.


“Oh please. Please, please you must let us see the Wizard!” Juice begged, “We simply must, we have traveled so far and I must get back to my home and work. These fine men have come very very far to make sure this perfect Red Wing team remains intact but Wicked Team of the West cast a spell on us and the Wizard is the only one who can help us.”


As Al and Mo closed the enormous doors and left the three standing there, they began to discuss the day.


“What if its too late?” Juice worried.


“Nonsense Juice. We have to stay positive. We’ll get Stuart, don’t you worry.”


“But I thought you wanted Sundin too, we don’t even know what has happened to him!”


“We can only presume the Rangers of the East got to him.” Stevie Y said worriedly.


“Well” Said Ken Holland thoughtfully. “That would be ok, if he wants a long term deal. I also heard he might be going to Vancouver …for a big ol’ contract…. Rest assured he knows that if he wants a Cup, we want him here, just short term.”


“We signed Lilja last night.” Stevie Y said. “We like the kid’s potential.”


“What about Mr. Chelios?”


“Oh we have plans for Mr. Chelios.” Mr. Holland smiled.


“Gosh, Mr. Holland you are so saavy! How do you do it?”


Just then the doors swung open and Mr. Sobotka started to speak. Scout jumped from Juice’s arms and darted through the octopi swinging man’s five hole.


“Oh Scout, Scout come back!” Juice cried and they all skated past Al and Mo, in hot pursuit of the rascally cat.


Stevie Y reached the top of the stairs first and grabbed Scout, gave him back to Juice. Mr. Holland appeared moments later, they all stood frozen in their skates as they gazed at a HUGE silver contraption which blew steam, swung wildly back and forth, emitted lazers, lights and the scent of pepperoni, as a Little Caesar Hologram emerged and shouted:


“Who goes there?”


“Ah, oh. My name is Juice, and this is Mr. …”


“Silence Child, I know who you all are and I know why you have come!”


Juice curtsied – half out of respect, mostly because he scared the crap out of her.


“Oh if it pleases the Wizard,” Juice continued, “Mr. Holland needs to acquire …”


“I know what Mr. Holland needs and I know what Stevie Y wants, the question is: “What are you going to do for The Wizard?????”


“Oh dear.” Juice softly whispered. The three looked at each other. The Wizard boomed:


“Bring me Brad Stuart before free agency starts!”


“Oh gosh your Highness. How are we supposed to do that? The Wicked King of the West has its eye on him.”


“I don’t care how you do it, just do it or you’ll never get home to Beverly Hills alive!”


Hologram fireworks exploded from the Pizza Pizza box, and the three travelers cringed in fear.


Just then, Mike Babcock came running into the Olympia Club.


“Oh your Highness, Greatness, All powerful, we have word that a house- well a condo actually- has crushed the Wicked King of the West.”


Mr. Holland, Stevie Y and Juice hugged joyously.


“I knew you could do it!” Juice exclaimed to Mr. Holland.


“Not without your help Juice.” He laughed and quickly dialed Brad Stuart’s agent.


Moments later Mr. Holland joyously ended the call to report ”$3.75MM, 4 years. Brad is staying- oh and I got Ty Conklin for a steal too!”


The deal was made, only 3 minutes before free agency opened season.


As the three rejoiced, Scout leapt from Juice’s arms once more and clawed his way to the top of a massive red curtain, causing it to fall from the ceiling and revealing two elder statesmen operating lighting and sound boards. The Hologram faded away, and the men turned to look.


“Scotty Bowman! Mike Ilitch!” The three exclaimed.


“Well you weren’t expecting Gary Bettman were you???” They laughed.


As the group patted each other on the back and the cigars were passed, Juice stepped aside, clutched her pet to her heart, closed her eyes, clicked her Ruby Bauer skates three times and said:

“There is no Team as perfect as Detroit, there is no Team as perfect as Detroit. There is no Team as perfect as Detroit.”

Originally published on Tuesday July 01, 2008 @ 04:06 PM EDT

at http://fans.nhl.com/members/JuiceinLA/blogs/17621

Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved. No use or reproduction without the author's express written permission.